When I was at Brandeis this past summer, over Spanish music and pushups, my roommate shared with me his philosophy, “Always expect the worst, so that no matter what happens it can only be better than expected.” As an optimist who enjoys looking forward to the next adventure life brings, it didn’t resonate. Will assuming that I’m going to get denied by a college, when in reality I have a fair chance, make an acceptance letter that much more exciting?
My mom told me a story about her best friend from college. It was that friend’s birthday and her husband wanted to throw her a surprise party. He sent her on somewhat of a wild goose chase (this was before cellphones) so he could invite all her friends over and prepare the party. As she went from one store to the next, not finding the items she needed, being told she could try another location fifteen minutes away, etc. (all designed to eat up time), she grew increasingly frustrated. By the time she got home, she was practically in tears. She certainly wasn’t expecting to hear, “Surprise!” from twenty different smiles as she walked into the house. Did this make the party any more special? No.
After the AP tests, ACT, SAT II, you name it, there is an extended period of anticipation as I await my score(s). Should I spend several weeks or months, convincing myself that I did poorly so I can be ecstatic when I see that I did well? I would much rather spend that extended waiting period being hopeful, ready to see the scores I want, and if they’re not what I was expecting, then I’ll be disappointed for a small bit of time until I get over it, versus being upset until I see that my scores aren’t as bad as I convinced myself they would be. I am more of a “Good until proven otherwise” person than the other way around. Expecting to run a bad race in cross-country does not make me happier with my time; it is actually counter-productive and is to some extent a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don’t hear the USA soccer team chanting “I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL LOSE!!” so that a victory would be that much more exciting. I believe much more good comes out of expecting the best than the worst.
However, bad things do happen, and they can shake someone up quite strongly—especially when it comes out of the blue. As optimistic as people can be, they still buy life insurance, write a will, pay for health insurance, even buy a burial plot. Expectation is not the same as preparation. While I believe it is highly beneficial to expect the best, within reasonable bounds, it is important to be prepared for the worst.
In this parsha, Vayishlach, Yaakov prepares to meet his brother Eisav. He hopes for a good outcome as he sends gifts to Eisav. He hopes to reunite with someone he can call a brother. At the same time, he prepares for a possible altercation with his brother; he splits his camp in two, readying the women and children to flee to safety, if necessary, and preparing the men for battle. Upon meeting, the two brothers join in a loving embrace and no war is fought.
While Israel prays for peace, negotiates for peace, uses all its resources in order to promote peace, that doesn’t change the fact that they need an army. If Israel was only set on having a strong military, always expecting the worst during negotiations, peace would be slow to come, at best.
If you enter a relationship with the expectation that it won’t work out, it probably won’t. If you set for yourself the goal of maybe learning to kinda speak a new language sometime, you just might learn how to say “hello” and count to ten.
Don’t downplay yourself. Work towards the best, anticipate the best; that’s the only way to get there. Life isn’t a lottery—people buy lottery tickets expecting not to win, and they generally don’t. Life is an amazing gift given for us to make the very most of. Be prepared for the worst, but make sure your sights are headed towards the good.
Shabbat Shalom,
Aaron Berdy