Parsha Chayai Sarah: Balancing Giving and Taking

In this week’s parsha, Avraham sends his servant Eliezer to find a wife for his son Yitzchak. Eliezer decides that whichever maiden offers to give water to him and his camels is the one Yitzchak should marry.

Why did Eliezer decide on chesed to be the test for finding a wife for Yitzchak? Why not pick any other mitzvah?

Rashi answers this by saying that Eliezer was looking for someone who would be fitting for the house of Avraham, whose dominant trait was chesed. Each of the Avot (forefathers) had their defining trait; Avraham’s was Chesed (kindness), Yitzchak’s was Gevurah (strength), and Yaakov’s was Emet (truth). The Immahot (foremothers) also had their defining traits and these traits complemented their husband’s. Sarah’s trait was gevurah, Rivkah’s was chesed, and Rachel and Leah’s had Emet.

Chesed in its purest form is the attribute of unlimited giving. As wonderful as that sounds, unlimited giving can actually be a harmful problem. This is where the trait of gevurah comes in. Gevurah limits the trait of chesed and gives it solid boundaries.

Avraham exemplified the trait of chesed. This is clearly seen throughout his lifetime of constant physical and spiritual giving to others. Avraham’s chesed was complemented by Sarah’s gevurah. It was Sarah who recognized that Yishmael had to be removed from the home. Sarah’s gevurah is an example of the need to limit the constant giving of Avraham.

Since Yitzchak was a man of gevurah, Rivkah was his match because she was drawn towards chesed. Eliezer decided to use the test of chesed in order to find a wife for Yitzchak because he knew that Yitzchak embodied gevurah, and an appropriate wife would be one who displays the trait of chesed.
The mitzvah of chesed is called Gemillas Chassadim. The word Gemillas comes from the word vayigamal, meaning to wean. Weaning is done when a baby begins eating other foods and learns to stop relying solely on its mother’s milk.

This may seem bad because it is stopping the kindness of the mother giving milk to her child but it is in fact true kindness. Since the baby cannot feed from the mother forever, this process is making steps towards self-sufficiency and a better future.

Gemillus Chasadim does not mean constant outpouring of acts of giving, because giving without limits is not necessarily good for the receiver. It means a clear, measured, and sometimes limited amount of giving. This concept mirrors the relationship between the traits of chesed and gevurah. Giving with the appropriate limits means that the giving is focused on what the receiver truly needs. Real Gemillus Chassadim emphasizes a focus on the important needs of other people, and not just the giver’s self satisfaction with his deed. Just like Hashem acts with kindness towards people and since Hashem’s chesed to others is not for Himself, so too should our chesed be focused solely on others.

We learn from the Immahot and the Avot that there is a balance to everything in life. Too much of one thing or too little of another is never good. Our goal in life is to learn to balance our traits and improve our middot in order to reach the perfect equilibrium that will bring us closer to Hashem.

Shabbat Shalom!

-Dania Halperin